Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode Whatever: The One Where The Girls Have Difficulty Pronoucing Anything

So in amongst the technical difficulties besetting us lately, there's also been an element of ennui when it comes to BNTM. I can't imagine ANY of the girls working as professional models and they're all so stupid or nasty or stupidly nasty that there's no redemption for any of them.

Regardless, whilst Lel packed her rucksack and yak for Glastonbury, I settled down to see if anything had improved.

In a word, no. For some reason Whiny Scottish Bint Ashley is still there, Vacant Viola is still confusing the heck out of everyone, and Wannabe Posh Bitch Sophie is still suffering delusions of grandeur. Oh and nice girls Jade and Mecia are still around too.

So, the girls have been packed off to Argentina or more specifically, Buenos Aires. Which none of them can pronouce.

The house they get is lovely and because these girls are ker-raaaazy they all jump in the pool fully clothed! Madness!

*sigh*

First task is an advert featuring a horse, two male models and much talk about how yummy Argentinian beef is. It's all a little bit confusing and not at all helped that they girls have to say a line in Spanish at the end. Whilst sitting on the horse. Having stroked the male models. Did I mention it was a bit confusing?

Anyway, Viola (bless her - her accent is so deliciously bizarre, she sounds like she should be wandering round in a kaftan, wearing a turban and supping on a dirty martini) just completely blanks out and Mecia sounds like Joey in that episode of Friends when he tries to speak French. Somehow Sophie won the challenge, which meant she suddenly thought she was going to win the whole thing. It left me hoping she really doesn't.

The actual shoot this week was out at the salt lakes for some new fangled body lotion. The girls had to get a bit nekkid under a sheet and look alluring while iddy biddy rocks of salt crushed against their skin. Sophie bitched and whined as did Ashley everyone else just got on with it.

It was Jade's shoot though that made me feel uncomfortable. While it's great that she's fighting back against her eating disorder, it sits behind the judges like the white elephant it is, threatening to overshadow proper critique of her photos. Quite simply, she looked far too thin in the photo and she looks far too thin in person. I understand why they included her but I'm not sure about the message that's getting across.

Anyway, in the end it came down to Viola and Ashley. Viola's space cadet routine was the final nail for her and she was sent packing.

Now we're down to the closing stages, my money's reluctantly on Sophie to win so I'm hoping that I'll be proved wrong. Still, at least Lovely Lisa's hair is still all kinds of lovely.

Is This Thing On?!

*sigh*

We've been having some right technical issues over the past few weeks which are hopefully resolved now!

We'd love to know what you've been watching and what you think we should be watching with you. Let us know below or email us or catch us over on Twitter.

We've missed you guys!

Lel and Sel x x x

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 4: The One With The Ishoos

So, following last week's shock eviction of, er, no-one, it came as no surprise to find a little unresolved rage in the Top Model house this week.

Victims of all the nastiness were last week's bottom two, Chloe and Ashley, who promptly called a house meeting to point out (quite rightly) that being kept in wasn't their fault. Sophie was having none of it though, and it all turned into a bit of a bitch-fest, directed at Chloe in particular. Methinks Sophie is this season's sore loser.

Domestic disputes aside, and on with the competition. They'd somehow roped in Leah Wood to leave a video message for the task, and she told them to look forward to an exciting day with someone very close to her heart. As Ronnie Wood is currently off trying to recapture his lost youth with a Russian cocktail waitress a third of his age; I for one could only assume she was referring to her mum, Jo.

So rock royalty and all-round lovely lady Jo Wood met the girls and gave them their challenge: to speak to an audience of 12-16 year olds about some proper Ishoos. Ignoring Jo's blatantly massively hint about being spokesperson for a number of charities, the girls eschewed topics of world peace, global diseases and the like to er, talk about make-up and stuff. Probably not the Ishoos Jo had in mind. Annaliese conducted an impromptu dance class, Chloe was the one with the make-up (she's against animal testing by the way, just try and ignore the leather jacket she's wearing) and Jade discussed her eating disorder. Kasey failed to get the point across with her endless "d'ya kno wot I mean tho?" and Maddy, Hayley and Mecia went to pieces.

In the end, Daisy won for her natural delivery, confidence and stage presence. Rather predictably, Sophie thought she should have won despite not making eye contact with anybody. Get over it, Soph!

Next came another challenge with Lovely Lisa's breakfast sidekick, Johnny Vaughan. The girls were interviewed in groups of three by Johnny whilst Lovely Lisa (aka Naughty Eavesdropping Lisa) listened in from next door. Sophie and Daisy trashed Chloe, thus breaking the first rule of a quick interview when you're not even famous yet. Jade and Kasey were rather yawnalicious when talking about their 'modelling dreams', Annaliese came across well, and Mecia showed no charisma (possibly because there isn't any to show). Johnny defended Viola from the other girls even though she pretty much died on air, and delivered a good grammatical reminder to us all - "There was too much 'Basically' and 'D'ya kno wot I mean vo' and 'To be honest' - they're all things sales people say when they're lying to you". Amen to the big JV!

Annaliese won the challenge and took Ashley with her to be smothered in new clothes and Swarovski prettiness. Not a bad prize!

Photoshoots! And they're dark and gritty shots of real Ishoos! Representing an anti-smoking campaign were Maddy and Viola, a campaign against drug use used Sophie, Mecia and Kasey; Annaliese and Ashley took shots for a campaign highlighting the problem of domestic violence and PETA used Daisy, Jade and Lauren, with Hayley and Chloe assigned to a Know Your Limits alcohol campaign.

At judging, Sophie was called first, disappointing as we cared neither for the girl nor the shot. Hmmpf. Jade, Maddy and Daisy pulled great shots and Ashley had a really powerful shot which was not surprising given that she was a past victim of domestic violence herself. Chloe got some praise, but personally it did nothing for me.

Annaliese gave great body but pretty poor face and Kasey and Mecia didn't really understand the brief of looking off their head on drugs, but not in a good way. We here wouldn't have thought that was such a difficult concept, but that shows how much we know doesn't it. Hayley's shot lacked oompf and Lauren again failed to escape from her pretty-prettiness.

In the final two, Kasey stayed but Lauren got sent home, still determined to pursue her modelling dreams. May we suggest plenty of catalogue work, stat?!

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 3: The One With The Make Over Dramz....

So it appears that Annaliese has an issue with the smell of tuna....

This week kicked off with an argument of extractor fans and washing up. Apparently Chloe isn't allowed to comment on such matters because she isn't a domestic goddess. It's pretty clear though that none of the girls like Chloe. Jealous much?

In a Lovely Lisa Mail, it was revealed that this was going to be the best episode of the series - MAKE OVER!!!!

The girls were whisked off to Daniel Galvin's salon to be primped and preened with the required level of nervous trepidation.

Once they were told what they were going to have done, it was time to start cutting and colouring. But my goodness! The amount of bad extensions the girls had was quite frankly horrifying.

Ashley looked amazing with her Louise Lombardesque crop but hated it and wanted to cry.

Madeleine cried that she'd look like a lesbian. Not only that but a pale GINGER lesbian. She also seemed to think she has fat thighs and now that her hair had been cut that's all anyone will see... uh huh...

Sophie thought she looked like a boy mushroom. Whatever boy mushrooms look like...

Chloe has gone brown but according to Annaliese this will not make her intelligent. No shit sherlock.

Lovely Lisa tells Madeleine to STFU. Maddie cries even more.

Viola looks hardly any different. She makes me think of fairies when I look at her.

Mecia looks better

Lauren looks no different

Jade is still annoying. Just with better hair..

And Kasey looks SO much better with dark natural hair as opposed to the afghan hound she had before.

And who'da thunk it? The behaviour during the make overs was only a bloomin' task to front the salon's new campaign. Viola won mainly because I don't think she ever speaks. If she doesn't speak, she can't complain. Seems fair enough to me.

And so, via the medium of interpretive dance, the girls got the learn your body lesson.

Apparently Annaliese is a dance teacher. We know this because she tells everyone all the time and is generally bossy'n'bitchy. Felt a little burst of affection for Mecia for calling crunking "The Crumpet Dance".

The challenge for this one was to showcase new Miss Sixty clothes whilst dancing in a club.

Mecia and Annaliese won as dancers and Kasey's group won as fashion types and got to go back in the club. Maddie was pissed off apparently. Like anyone cared what she thought.

Oh huzzah. Yawn. Faux lesbianism for the photoshoot

Lauren looked very strong and was paired with Jade who matched her.

Ashley is our new whinger du jour. Bitch will not stop complaining about EVERYTHING.

And so on to judging.

Nick Johnson hated Chloe's shot - to be fair her discomfort was so evident she might as well have been holding a sign up saying so.

Annaliese's face looked weird!

Jade and Lauren's shots were great. Lovely Lisa finally criticised a body position! Jade had lost a knee.

Hahaha! Nick compared Viola to a zombie! She is a kooky one to be sure.

Daisy and Hayley won for professionalism and good shots.

Ashley STFU. Seriously. Stop whinging.

In other news, Lovely Lisa looks lovely.

Maddie finally apologises for her appalling behaviour during the haircut. And pulls off a great shot which is ruined by Ashley.

There was a wealth of meh until it came to the final two - Chloe and Ashley. I was rooting for Ashley to be sent home then dun dun duiuuuuun! No one got sent home! ZOMG! etc....

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 2: The One Where The Girls Get Nekkid With Some Mangoes...

Down with Boot Camp! Huzzah for houses! It's off to London and the Top Model house which is plush. "Like a crib," says Chloe helpfully. Bless her...

There's much squealing and slapping of arses in a hot tub. Obviously. This is one of the beauties of BNTM - the girls are that bit more trashy than the Americans!

Today's first challenge was a fashion quiz, which wasn't that tricky if you've read a magazine in say, the last ten years. Turns out Ashley reckons that Vogue isn't sold anywhere in Scotland. Umhm...

So, half the girls won jewellery, and those that didn't said they didn't much like it anyway. Yeah, whatever.

Lovely Lisa Mail promised a churchly challenge with Wedding TV, a casting for a fresh new face held on the Millennium Bridge. Surrounded by people on their way to actual jobs and whatnot. Elizabeth Emmanuel, she of much hair and very little face, was to be the designer. A male model, of very little hair and much chiselled face was to play an integral part... Ooh! Kissing! And speaking!

Mecia is the one with the problem. Of course, she has a boyfriend and so can't possibly countenance the idea of kissing anyone else ever. So she does some kind of weird covering of the mouths so no kiss can be seen. Which ends up frustrating the director no end until he has enough and tells her to bugger off. Only in a slightly nicer way. Oh, now she starts crying and worrying she might have blown her chances...

Kacey wins and gets the most garish mirrored bag ever made. It is The Bag Of A Thousand Mirrors and is described as "the most beeyootiful bag in the world'.

Much much bigger squeals here from the Watch with... sofas. Miz J!!!! Miz J!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Thank God for Miz J, who fabulously appeared out of the ether to deliver a much needed Louboutin to the posterior. His impressions of the girls' walks are one of our personal highlights of the show. 'No-necked monster' is henceforth a major phrase in any sane person's vocabulary.
Lisa-ann is our new Marjorie. She cries now because she sucks at walking. Last week, it was because being a check out girl was too stressful. The world is against her, people!

Daisy boasts she's done it before and thinks everyone is jealous of her. No, Daisy, it's just that no one likes you. Sel doesn't anyway.

Getting in the naked shoot early, the girls are sent to a studio to swim around with some mangoes. It looks like a fashion twist on bobbing for apples at Hallowe'en. Except it's with mangoes and they're all naked. Which, in some houses, is probably how it goes down.

Hayley was up first and seemed very comfortable with it.

Mecia who didn't want to do kissing was absolutely fine with being nekkid. Go figure.

Ashley who's had two kids was understandably nervous about things like stretch marks but seemed to do quite well.

Madeleine is from a nekkid family apparently. Lovely. She had lots of fun rolling around in the fruitmire.

Viola worries she won't be able to understand the direction but seems to do ok. Sel is very unsure about Viola and thinks she grins like a serial killer.

Oof. Daisy and Sophie are shaping up to be complete bitches. They seem to be a bit jealous of Chloe, who then went on to really please the client by being all the cute and round cheeked loveliness that so offends Daisy and Sophie.

Sophie though was an epic fail. Pride before a fall and all that, dear...

Judging!

Hayley was deemed ok but too tense in the jaw.

Lauren looked very fake as Huggy pointed out. She's stupidly pretty but looked a bit American infomercial.

Madeleine lost her arm - where was that?! Why did no one mention it!?!? Instead, everyone cooed over it. But her arm!!!

Mecia was pulled up on the hissy fit of the commercial which was fair enough but managed to pull off a good enough photo for everyone to forget about that.

Annaliese's picture was fabulously energetic and easily Sel's favourite.

Kacey looked cute in her pic.

Sophie's photo was predictably awful.

Huggy thought Chloe's photo was a bit lad's mag soft pornesque. It wasn't really, just a bit too cute.

Louis and Huggy disagreed over Viola's photo. Viola just carried on with the demented smiling.

Jade worried that she's too slim but everyone said she produced a great shot. It was alright...

Daisy was picked by the client as having the best photo. Sel thought it was a bit meh but Lel loved it.

Lisa-ann predicatably looked very uncomfortable.

And so we were left with Lisa-ann and Sophie in the bottom 2.... Lovely Lisa pulled Lisa-ann up on her crying while Sophie was told she was a bit rubbish.

Sophie doesn't annoy everyone by crying though and got through.

Makeover week next week!!! Dramz! Huzzahs! It will be ultimate viewing, because NO-ONE out here in the real world reacts that badly to a haircut.

Who will shed the most tears? The bets are on... Let us know what you think!

The Biggest Loser UK, Season 3 Episode 1

So we're back with The Biggest Loser UK, this time around hosted by Kate Garraway and in the couples format also used in the US. Today's first episode is all about meeting the contestants and taking them to their 'fat camp' home for the next few months. The winner will receive £10,000, (in the US the winner gets $250,000 - just saying).

This season's trainers are Angie Dowds - "train as hard as you can, as often as you can", "first training session, they'll think they've woken up in hell", a kick-ass ball of muscle who could give US trainer Jillian Michaels a run for her money; and newbie Richard Callender, who has his own personal fear of failure, uh oh. I'll go with Angie please, hell threats aside.

First they have to prove themselves with a general workout - squat until I say stop, that kind of thing. What seemed forever through editing was only about 20 minutes of quite low-impact exercise.

Throughout this we were introduced to the couples, and there were some pretty sad stories - really young people who've been told they won't live very long at all if they don't lose weight pretty damn quick. Those looking after sick relatives and scared they won't be there is the long term. Daughters following in the footsteps of their overweight mothers. Generally, the forecast isn't great for these people.

And so to the first weigh-in. How horrendous. The nation watching you in your smalls, dragging your larger-than-average posterior up to the scales, awaiting your almighty humiliation. Mark had no idea what he weighed anymore, as his scales stopped at 24 stone. Which the cynic in me said must just be plain inconvenient. Luckily there were no such technical shortcomings in the Biggest Loser house, their scales know no upper limit. It's like they go all the way up to 11 (tonnes).

The results were as follows:

Mark (25st 13lbs) and Kevin (23st 8lbs) - strangers
Rick (21st 5lbs) and Michelle (16st 3lbs)- husband and wife
Dave (23st 3lbs) and Jamie (28st 8lbs) - father and son and two of the unhealthiest people who could hope to meet
Maria (15st 11lbs) and Michaela (15st 9lbs) - best friends
Eunice (23st 8lbs) and Miriam (15st 2lbs) - sisters
Carol (15st 11lbs) and Katy (22st 3lbs) - mother and daughter, first to get into the house
Raz (15st 1lb) and Lisa (25st 10lbs) - mother and daughter
Jennifer (23st 5lbs) and Sadie (21st 5lbs) - mother and daughter

They have a week to prepare for their first competitive weigh-in, where the couple who have lost the smallest percentage of their joint weight. Luckily, this has all been filmed in advance, and we get to see it on Friday. Trainer Angie uses the word 'hell' a few more times to make sure we get the point. I get it, Angie, it will be HARD.

The Biggest Loser is on daily, thus keeping out blood-trash levels nice and stable. See you tomorrow.

Grey's Anatomy, Season 5

Now I do love a medical drama, there's nothing quite like a bunch of unfeasibly attractive people who also happen to be total overachievers walking the corridors and rocking some superfine scrubs.

Tonight, Meredith's painfully protracted relationship with McDreamy is getting one step closer to the happy ever after, Derek and his oh-so-perfect follicles are about to pop the question. Christina is having lots of slow-mo, elegant sequences with fairly new doc on the block Hunt, and Little Grey aka Lexi is swooning over McSteamy. She's only human.

So it's a serious Emotional Episode. Except someone neglected to tell a couple of the writers, who seem to be creating for Carry On Nurse, circa 1962. Mark Sloane is their better looking Sid James equivalent, with jokes abounding over his broken penis incident. "Use it wisely!" - chortle, chortle. A couple come into the hospital who have misplaced something unspecified in an unspecified area whilst trying to fire up their sex life. We never discover the object or it's location; but blimey, we suspect it's something and somewhere hilarious. *Sigh*.

Barbara Windsor and pals aside, the episode focuses on a pregnant woman who has accidentally run over her husband, and whose symptoms of a massive aneurysm have been blamed on her pregnancy. Now, I have no experience on this one, but I'd like to think that if I was acting like a complete crazy person and driving over all those near and dear to me, that my truest friends would maybe tell me to GET MYSELF CHECKED OUT, and not just blame it on the baby.

The other main storylines were Bailey tearing her heart over another very sick child, which may lead to a change in career for her, and Izzie getting every kind of crazy test under the sun because in last week's episode, her dead boyfriend intimated to her that she may be dying. You know, a very usual sort of occurence. So, whilst running said dead boyfriend's memorial free clinic, she uses the opportunity to get all her interns to run all tests on her. Including MRIs, which I'm guessing don't come cheap. That may be a moot point however, since Izzie used her $8million inheritance to pay for the clinic. Yep, all regular med students these.

Just in case we got caught up in real drama, the episode ends with Callie Torres getting a kiss from yet another attrractive lesbian surgeon, who crop up like weeds on this show now. All the hot lesbian doctors in the country must be flocking to Seattle Grace as a great dating spot. So Callie's months of torment (one episode) over her enforced celibacy look thankfully to be at an end. So realistic!

There are some pretty great aspects to Grey's - the name, what a pun!, reasonably attractive men, good use of music etc, but it definitely falls down on the medicine. And the lead character. Owch. Ellen Pompeo as Meredith is immensely "slappable" to quote Sel, and your enjoyment of the show can only be enhanced by ignoring her, her silly little nose and her neuroses. I think we all know that in the real world Derek and his hair would find these things neither charming nor attractive and would have strangled her with his stethoscope a long time ago.

As for the medicine, perhaps the writers should get round to pilfering back episodes of ER. Now THERE was a show.