Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode Whatever: The One Where The Girls Have Difficulty Pronoucing Anything

So in amongst the technical difficulties besetting us lately, there's also been an element of ennui when it comes to BNTM. I can't imagine ANY of the girls working as professional models and they're all so stupid or nasty or stupidly nasty that there's no redemption for any of them.

Regardless, whilst Lel packed her rucksack and yak for Glastonbury, I settled down to see if anything had improved.

In a word, no. For some reason Whiny Scottish Bint Ashley is still there, Vacant Viola is still confusing the heck out of everyone, and Wannabe Posh Bitch Sophie is still suffering delusions of grandeur. Oh and nice girls Jade and Mecia are still around too.

So, the girls have been packed off to Argentina or more specifically, Buenos Aires. Which none of them can pronouce.

The house they get is lovely and because these girls are ker-raaaazy they all jump in the pool fully clothed! Madness!

*sigh*

First task is an advert featuring a horse, two male models and much talk about how yummy Argentinian beef is. It's all a little bit confusing and not at all helped that they girls have to say a line in Spanish at the end. Whilst sitting on the horse. Having stroked the male models. Did I mention it was a bit confusing?

Anyway, Viola (bless her - her accent is so deliciously bizarre, she sounds like she should be wandering round in a kaftan, wearing a turban and supping on a dirty martini) just completely blanks out and Mecia sounds like Joey in that episode of Friends when he tries to speak French. Somehow Sophie won the challenge, which meant she suddenly thought she was going to win the whole thing. It left me hoping she really doesn't.

The actual shoot this week was out at the salt lakes for some new fangled body lotion. The girls had to get a bit nekkid under a sheet and look alluring while iddy biddy rocks of salt crushed against their skin. Sophie bitched and whined as did Ashley everyone else just got on with it.

It was Jade's shoot though that made me feel uncomfortable. While it's great that she's fighting back against her eating disorder, it sits behind the judges like the white elephant it is, threatening to overshadow proper critique of her photos. Quite simply, she looked far too thin in the photo and she looks far too thin in person. I understand why they included her but I'm not sure about the message that's getting across.

Anyway, in the end it came down to Viola and Ashley. Viola's space cadet routine was the final nail for her and she was sent packing.

Now we're down to the closing stages, my money's reluctantly on Sophie to win so I'm hoping that I'll be proved wrong. Still, at least Lovely Lisa's hair is still all kinds of lovely.

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 3: The One With The Make Over Dramz....

So it appears that Annaliese has an issue with the smell of tuna....

This week kicked off with an argument of extractor fans and washing up. Apparently Chloe isn't allowed to comment on such matters because she isn't a domestic goddess. It's pretty clear though that none of the girls like Chloe. Jealous much?

In a Lovely Lisa Mail, it was revealed that this was going to be the best episode of the series - MAKE OVER!!!!

The girls were whisked off to Daniel Galvin's salon to be primped and preened with the required level of nervous trepidation.

Once they were told what they were going to have done, it was time to start cutting and colouring. But my goodness! The amount of bad extensions the girls had was quite frankly horrifying.

Ashley looked amazing with her Louise Lombardesque crop but hated it and wanted to cry.

Madeleine cried that she'd look like a lesbian. Not only that but a pale GINGER lesbian. She also seemed to think she has fat thighs and now that her hair had been cut that's all anyone will see... uh huh...

Sophie thought she looked like a boy mushroom. Whatever boy mushrooms look like...

Chloe has gone brown but according to Annaliese this will not make her intelligent. No shit sherlock.

Lovely Lisa tells Madeleine to STFU. Maddie cries even more.

Viola looks hardly any different. She makes me think of fairies when I look at her.

Mecia looks better

Lauren looks no different

Jade is still annoying. Just with better hair..

And Kasey looks SO much better with dark natural hair as opposed to the afghan hound she had before.

And who'da thunk it? The behaviour during the make overs was only a bloomin' task to front the salon's new campaign. Viola won mainly because I don't think she ever speaks. If she doesn't speak, she can't complain. Seems fair enough to me.

And so, via the medium of interpretive dance, the girls got the learn your body lesson.

Apparently Annaliese is a dance teacher. We know this because she tells everyone all the time and is generally bossy'n'bitchy. Felt a little burst of affection for Mecia for calling crunking "The Crumpet Dance".

The challenge for this one was to showcase new Miss Sixty clothes whilst dancing in a club.

Mecia and Annaliese won as dancers and Kasey's group won as fashion types and got to go back in the club. Maddie was pissed off apparently. Like anyone cared what she thought.

Oh huzzah. Yawn. Faux lesbianism for the photoshoot

Lauren looked very strong and was paired with Jade who matched her.

Ashley is our new whinger du jour. Bitch will not stop complaining about EVERYTHING.

And so on to judging.

Nick Johnson hated Chloe's shot - to be fair her discomfort was so evident she might as well have been holding a sign up saying so.

Annaliese's face looked weird!

Jade and Lauren's shots were great. Lovely Lisa finally criticised a body position! Jade had lost a knee.

Hahaha! Nick compared Viola to a zombie! She is a kooky one to be sure.

Daisy and Hayley won for professionalism and good shots.

Ashley STFU. Seriously. Stop whinging.

In other news, Lovely Lisa looks lovely.

Maddie finally apologises for her appalling behaviour during the haircut. And pulls off a great shot which is ruined by Ashley.

There was a wealth of meh until it came to the final two - Chloe and Ashley. I was rooting for Ashley to be sent home then dun dun duiuuuuun! No one got sent home! ZOMG! etc....

The City: The One Where Whitney Indulges In Inappropriate Whining To The Actual DVF

So here we are at the finale of Whitney's first series sojourn to NYC.

She's been backstabbed by Park Ave Princess Olivia, had romance troubles with Jay The Commitment Phobe and had to nod sympathetically to the traumas of LC substitutes Erin and Alli. Can't the poor girl catch a break?

Apparently not. Whitney and Olivia are being pit against each other to see who liaises with the London DVF team. Seeing as Whitney spends most her time moping about and not standing up to Olivia then unless there's some amazing editing in store, it's quite obvious who's going to get that job.

Elsewhere in NYC, Adam decided he needed to visit Erin at work to have a go for 'meddling' in his quite frankly unhealthy relationship with the alien-esque Alli. Erin argued that he shouldn't be chatting up girls in Miami, to which he countered that she should be able to make up her mind about which of her boytoys she wants to go out with. There was much annoyed hair flicking.

Back to Whitney who is moping after Jay dumped her to go on tour and have some, like, space or you know, whatever. But she's whining to Olivia about it. Bitch, please! Do not give her more ammunition to take you down with. And hasn't she already said she doesn't want to know about your life?

So who else could Whitney call to have a proper whinge to but good ol' LC. She questions why she moved there, reveals that she has seen through Olivia's scheming ways and that she misses Jay. LC pulls out some good advice, carefully written for her, and tells Whitney to forget Jay and concentrate on her job. Remeber she missed out on Paris for that loser Jason so she should know what she's talking about!

Oooh Olivia is such a bitch, swanning around schmoozing with the London people and taking all the credit for the ELLE cover. In her future I see gin soaked lunches and a loveless marriage. Though maybe I've watched too many soaps and made for TV movies...

Whitney really should stand up for herself and tell everyone she pulled the Elle cover. Eventually after many sidelong glances and sighs, she decides to have it out with Olivia backstage at the NY Fashion Week show and kinda makes her point but then kinda doesn't. She's so damn wishy washy sometimes.

At the after party, Whitney is doing people's heads (ok, just mine) and moping on her own. And then the grand dame herself, Diane Von Furstenberg, makes an entrance to provide some sage advice to Whitney. DVF is fabulous and tells Whitney to basically MTFU and get over Jay and to love herself first and foremost.

Oh. Unsurprisingly Olivia has sneaked the London job. And then takes great delight in telling Whitney. Who is on her way out of the party to see Jay who has just called to try and grovel his way back.

He's sowwy and wants her back and blah blah blah. He manages some crocodile tears but hurrah! Whitney's finally standing up for herself and enforces DVF's advice to look after herself first. Nice use of Every Heartbeat by Robyn there as Whitney strides back to the party, all new and stand up for herself-y. If only it were to smack Olivia in the mouth...

And so it's all over for Season 1. Thanks to the magic of the interwebs, we know that Whitney and Jay have got back together and that she's left DVF. How on earth will they script that in but more importantly, how fabulous that that means more of Kelly Cutrone!