Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode Whatever: The One Where The Girls Have Difficulty Pronoucing Anything

So in amongst the technical difficulties besetting us lately, there's also been an element of ennui when it comes to BNTM. I can't imagine ANY of the girls working as professional models and they're all so stupid or nasty or stupidly nasty that there's no redemption for any of them.

Regardless, whilst Lel packed her rucksack and yak for Glastonbury, I settled down to see if anything had improved.

In a word, no. For some reason Whiny Scottish Bint Ashley is still there, Vacant Viola is still confusing the heck out of everyone, and Wannabe Posh Bitch Sophie is still suffering delusions of grandeur. Oh and nice girls Jade and Mecia are still around too.

So, the girls have been packed off to Argentina or more specifically, Buenos Aires. Which none of them can pronouce.

The house they get is lovely and because these girls are ker-raaaazy they all jump in the pool fully clothed! Madness!

*sigh*

First task is an advert featuring a horse, two male models and much talk about how yummy Argentinian beef is. It's all a little bit confusing and not at all helped that they girls have to say a line in Spanish at the end. Whilst sitting on the horse. Having stroked the male models. Did I mention it was a bit confusing?

Anyway, Viola (bless her - her accent is so deliciously bizarre, she sounds like she should be wandering round in a kaftan, wearing a turban and supping on a dirty martini) just completely blanks out and Mecia sounds like Joey in that episode of Friends when he tries to speak French. Somehow Sophie won the challenge, which meant she suddenly thought she was going to win the whole thing. It left me hoping she really doesn't.

The actual shoot this week was out at the salt lakes for some new fangled body lotion. The girls had to get a bit nekkid under a sheet and look alluring while iddy biddy rocks of salt crushed against their skin. Sophie bitched and whined as did Ashley everyone else just got on with it.

It was Jade's shoot though that made me feel uncomfortable. While it's great that she's fighting back against her eating disorder, it sits behind the judges like the white elephant it is, threatening to overshadow proper critique of her photos. Quite simply, she looked far too thin in the photo and she looks far too thin in person. I understand why they included her but I'm not sure about the message that's getting across.

Anyway, in the end it came down to Viola and Ashley. Viola's space cadet routine was the final nail for her and she was sent packing.

Now we're down to the closing stages, my money's reluctantly on Sophie to win so I'm hoping that I'll be proved wrong. Still, at least Lovely Lisa's hair is still all kinds of lovely.

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 4: The One With The Ishoos

So, following last week's shock eviction of, er, no-one, it came as no surprise to find a little unresolved rage in the Top Model house this week.

Victims of all the nastiness were last week's bottom two, Chloe and Ashley, who promptly called a house meeting to point out (quite rightly) that being kept in wasn't their fault. Sophie was having none of it though, and it all turned into a bit of a bitch-fest, directed at Chloe in particular. Methinks Sophie is this season's sore loser.

Domestic disputes aside, and on with the competition. They'd somehow roped in Leah Wood to leave a video message for the task, and she told them to look forward to an exciting day with someone very close to her heart. As Ronnie Wood is currently off trying to recapture his lost youth with a Russian cocktail waitress a third of his age; I for one could only assume she was referring to her mum, Jo.

So rock royalty and all-round lovely lady Jo Wood met the girls and gave them their challenge: to speak to an audience of 12-16 year olds about some proper Ishoos. Ignoring Jo's blatantly massively hint about being spokesperson for a number of charities, the girls eschewed topics of world peace, global diseases and the like to er, talk about make-up and stuff. Probably not the Ishoos Jo had in mind. Annaliese conducted an impromptu dance class, Chloe was the one with the make-up (she's against animal testing by the way, just try and ignore the leather jacket she's wearing) and Jade discussed her eating disorder. Kasey failed to get the point across with her endless "d'ya kno wot I mean tho?" and Maddy, Hayley and Mecia went to pieces.

In the end, Daisy won for her natural delivery, confidence and stage presence. Rather predictably, Sophie thought she should have won despite not making eye contact with anybody. Get over it, Soph!

Next came another challenge with Lovely Lisa's breakfast sidekick, Johnny Vaughan. The girls were interviewed in groups of three by Johnny whilst Lovely Lisa (aka Naughty Eavesdropping Lisa) listened in from next door. Sophie and Daisy trashed Chloe, thus breaking the first rule of a quick interview when you're not even famous yet. Jade and Kasey were rather yawnalicious when talking about their 'modelling dreams', Annaliese came across well, and Mecia showed no charisma (possibly because there isn't any to show). Johnny defended Viola from the other girls even though she pretty much died on air, and delivered a good grammatical reminder to us all - "There was too much 'Basically' and 'D'ya kno wot I mean vo' and 'To be honest' - they're all things sales people say when they're lying to you". Amen to the big JV!

Annaliese won the challenge and took Ashley with her to be smothered in new clothes and Swarovski prettiness. Not a bad prize!

Photoshoots! And they're dark and gritty shots of real Ishoos! Representing an anti-smoking campaign were Maddy and Viola, a campaign against drug use used Sophie, Mecia and Kasey; Annaliese and Ashley took shots for a campaign highlighting the problem of domestic violence and PETA used Daisy, Jade and Lauren, with Hayley and Chloe assigned to a Know Your Limits alcohol campaign.

At judging, Sophie was called first, disappointing as we cared neither for the girl nor the shot. Hmmpf. Jade, Maddy and Daisy pulled great shots and Ashley had a really powerful shot which was not surprising given that she was a past victim of domestic violence herself. Chloe got some praise, but personally it did nothing for me.

Annaliese gave great body but pretty poor face and Kasey and Mecia didn't really understand the brief of looking off their head on drugs, but not in a good way. We here wouldn't have thought that was such a difficult concept, but that shows how much we know doesn't it. Hayley's shot lacked oompf and Lauren again failed to escape from her pretty-prettiness.

In the final two, Kasey stayed but Lauren got sent home, still determined to pursue her modelling dreams. May we suggest plenty of catalogue work, stat?!

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 3: The One With The Make Over Dramz....

So it appears that Annaliese has an issue with the smell of tuna....

This week kicked off with an argument of extractor fans and washing up. Apparently Chloe isn't allowed to comment on such matters because she isn't a domestic goddess. It's pretty clear though that none of the girls like Chloe. Jealous much?

In a Lovely Lisa Mail, it was revealed that this was going to be the best episode of the series - MAKE OVER!!!!

The girls were whisked off to Daniel Galvin's salon to be primped and preened with the required level of nervous trepidation.

Once they were told what they were going to have done, it was time to start cutting and colouring. But my goodness! The amount of bad extensions the girls had was quite frankly horrifying.

Ashley looked amazing with her Louise Lombardesque crop but hated it and wanted to cry.

Madeleine cried that she'd look like a lesbian. Not only that but a pale GINGER lesbian. She also seemed to think she has fat thighs and now that her hair had been cut that's all anyone will see... uh huh...

Sophie thought she looked like a boy mushroom. Whatever boy mushrooms look like...

Chloe has gone brown but according to Annaliese this will not make her intelligent. No shit sherlock.

Lovely Lisa tells Madeleine to STFU. Maddie cries even more.

Viola looks hardly any different. She makes me think of fairies when I look at her.

Mecia looks better

Lauren looks no different

Jade is still annoying. Just with better hair..

And Kasey looks SO much better with dark natural hair as opposed to the afghan hound she had before.

And who'da thunk it? The behaviour during the make overs was only a bloomin' task to front the salon's new campaign. Viola won mainly because I don't think she ever speaks. If she doesn't speak, she can't complain. Seems fair enough to me.

And so, via the medium of interpretive dance, the girls got the learn your body lesson.

Apparently Annaliese is a dance teacher. We know this because she tells everyone all the time and is generally bossy'n'bitchy. Felt a little burst of affection for Mecia for calling crunking "The Crumpet Dance".

The challenge for this one was to showcase new Miss Sixty clothes whilst dancing in a club.

Mecia and Annaliese won as dancers and Kasey's group won as fashion types and got to go back in the club. Maddie was pissed off apparently. Like anyone cared what she thought.

Oh huzzah. Yawn. Faux lesbianism for the photoshoot

Lauren looked very strong and was paired with Jade who matched her.

Ashley is our new whinger du jour. Bitch will not stop complaining about EVERYTHING.

And so on to judging.

Nick Johnson hated Chloe's shot - to be fair her discomfort was so evident she might as well have been holding a sign up saying so.

Annaliese's face looked weird!

Jade and Lauren's shots were great. Lovely Lisa finally criticised a body position! Jade had lost a knee.

Hahaha! Nick compared Viola to a zombie! She is a kooky one to be sure.

Daisy and Hayley won for professionalism and good shots.

Ashley STFU. Seriously. Stop whinging.

In other news, Lovely Lisa looks lovely.

Maddie finally apologises for her appalling behaviour during the haircut. And pulls off a great shot which is ruined by Ashley.

There was a wealth of meh until it came to the final two - Chloe and Ashley. I was rooting for Ashley to be sent home then dun dun duiuuuuun! No one got sent home! ZOMG! etc....

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 2: The One Where The Girls Get Nekkid With Some Mangoes...

Down with Boot Camp! Huzzah for houses! It's off to London and the Top Model house which is plush. "Like a crib," says Chloe helpfully. Bless her...

There's much squealing and slapping of arses in a hot tub. Obviously. This is one of the beauties of BNTM - the girls are that bit more trashy than the Americans!

Today's first challenge was a fashion quiz, which wasn't that tricky if you've read a magazine in say, the last ten years. Turns out Ashley reckons that Vogue isn't sold anywhere in Scotland. Umhm...

So, half the girls won jewellery, and those that didn't said they didn't much like it anyway. Yeah, whatever.

Lovely Lisa Mail promised a churchly challenge with Wedding TV, a casting for a fresh new face held on the Millennium Bridge. Surrounded by people on their way to actual jobs and whatnot. Elizabeth Emmanuel, she of much hair and very little face, was to be the designer. A male model, of very little hair and much chiselled face was to play an integral part... Ooh! Kissing! And speaking!

Mecia is the one with the problem. Of course, she has a boyfriend and so can't possibly countenance the idea of kissing anyone else ever. So she does some kind of weird covering of the mouths so no kiss can be seen. Which ends up frustrating the director no end until he has enough and tells her to bugger off. Only in a slightly nicer way. Oh, now she starts crying and worrying she might have blown her chances...

Kacey wins and gets the most garish mirrored bag ever made. It is The Bag Of A Thousand Mirrors and is described as "the most beeyootiful bag in the world'.

Much much bigger squeals here from the Watch with... sofas. Miz J!!!! Miz J!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Thank God for Miz J, who fabulously appeared out of the ether to deliver a much needed Louboutin to the posterior. His impressions of the girls' walks are one of our personal highlights of the show. 'No-necked monster' is henceforth a major phrase in any sane person's vocabulary.
Lisa-ann is our new Marjorie. She cries now because she sucks at walking. Last week, it was because being a check out girl was too stressful. The world is against her, people!

Daisy boasts she's done it before and thinks everyone is jealous of her. No, Daisy, it's just that no one likes you. Sel doesn't anyway.

Getting in the naked shoot early, the girls are sent to a studio to swim around with some mangoes. It looks like a fashion twist on bobbing for apples at Hallowe'en. Except it's with mangoes and they're all naked. Which, in some houses, is probably how it goes down.

Hayley was up first and seemed very comfortable with it.

Mecia who didn't want to do kissing was absolutely fine with being nekkid. Go figure.

Ashley who's had two kids was understandably nervous about things like stretch marks but seemed to do quite well.

Madeleine is from a nekkid family apparently. Lovely. She had lots of fun rolling around in the fruitmire.

Viola worries she won't be able to understand the direction but seems to do ok. Sel is very unsure about Viola and thinks she grins like a serial killer.

Oof. Daisy and Sophie are shaping up to be complete bitches. They seem to be a bit jealous of Chloe, who then went on to really please the client by being all the cute and round cheeked loveliness that so offends Daisy and Sophie.

Sophie though was an epic fail. Pride before a fall and all that, dear...

Judging!

Hayley was deemed ok but too tense in the jaw.

Lauren looked very fake as Huggy pointed out. She's stupidly pretty but looked a bit American infomercial.

Madeleine lost her arm - where was that?! Why did no one mention it!?!? Instead, everyone cooed over it. But her arm!!!

Mecia was pulled up on the hissy fit of the commercial which was fair enough but managed to pull off a good enough photo for everyone to forget about that.

Annaliese's picture was fabulously energetic and easily Sel's favourite.

Kacey looked cute in her pic.

Sophie's photo was predictably awful.

Huggy thought Chloe's photo was a bit lad's mag soft pornesque. It wasn't really, just a bit too cute.

Louis and Huggy disagreed over Viola's photo. Viola just carried on with the demented smiling.

Jade worried that she's too slim but everyone said she produced a great shot. It was alright...

Daisy was picked by the client as having the best photo. Sel thought it was a bit meh but Lel loved it.

Lisa-ann predicatably looked very uncomfortable.

And so we were left with Lisa-ann and Sophie in the bottom 2.... Lovely Lisa pulled Lisa-ann up on her crying while Sophie was told she was a bit rubbish.

Sophie doesn't annoy everyone by crying though and got through.

Makeover week next week!!! Dramz! Huzzahs! It will be ultimate viewing, because NO-ONE out here in the real world reacts that badly to a haircut.

Who will shed the most tears? The bets are on... Let us know what you think!

Britain's Next Top Model: Season 5 Episode 1: 20 - 7 = 13 Girls Continuing In The Hope Of Becoming...

Britain's. Next. Top. Model!

Huzzahs!It's that time again folks, prepare yourselves as the next twenty new young model hopefuls all set to take the fashion world by storm.

Except it's Week One for Lisa Snowdon's BNTM, and everyone sort of looks like they've been found wandering around Romford Market. So in order to make us realise that BNTM doesn't really care about high fashion, Lovely Lisa takes us through what the past winners (and Abi Clancy) have been up to which has been very high street and lad mag with some forays into Actual Vogue Territory.

So who have we got? Quelle surprise! Nell the posh bisexual! And a working class bisexual from Norf London to hopefully have a fling/row/competition with, thus ticking televisual boxes all over the place.

Lisa-ann crying over the trauma of holding it all together working in a supermarket. Stop crying. You know how we felt about Marjorie...

Chloe the Scouse, cousin to catalogue-friendly (and only BNTM with her own calander fact fans!) Abi Clancey.

Viola who's not vorried about her voreign accent.

Natalie who explains her personality using the words 'fake tan', 'lots of make-up' and 'hair extensions', and looks like every other girl you see shopping the high street.

Emily who doesn't think she got any GCSE's and Madelaine who shouldn't really have said that she couldn't wait to get back to her showjumping just as soon as she'd 'finished' at BNTM.

Oh, and some other people that aren't quite interesting enough just yet.

And so, with a flourish of a fanfare, Lovely Lisa Snowdon makes a low-key entrance in private tank and Private Benjamin mode. Unlike Her High Priestess Of Fieeerrcce! Miz Tyra, who would have made the whole thing look like a genuine, if not very worrying, attempt at world domination, Lovely Lisa has the grace to look like she was about to burst into giggles. We like this - as much as we adore the crazy eyed insanity that is Tyra Banks, Lisa looks more like the kind of girl you could eat macaroons and drink cocktails with.

As Lovely Lisa announces that the girls are being shipped off to Boot Camp, there are excited shreiks. Top Model Bootcamp? Why is everyone so excited? Do they not know what bootcamps are?!

SO they're bundled into army vans and carted off to an assault course where they are met by a grumpy army man. We could have sworn they were being given a dressing down by George W. Bush himself but maybe it was the cocktails...

After a quick slap to the face to restore focus, it's just some other angsty middle aged man looking for a fight. Except it was painfully obvious that the poor army man has no idea how to deal with these giggly girlies.

After watching several minutes of swinging through mud and crawling through nets etc, the point of the task is still somewhere in the mud. We think it was to show via the medium of interpretive SHOUTING how difficult this whole model business can be. Cue more trauma - their new accommodation is not as luxurious as expected! Gasp!

New judge Louis Mariette breezed in channelling a mix of Miz J, Benny Ninja and an overzealously sequnnied majorette. He introduced Q (????? - no us neither). Ooh Q. He was accompanied by some soft core porn jazz stylings and proceeded to fix a washing machine. No he didnt. He works for Ed Hardy and offered the chance to win a part in a US Ed Hardy campaign following a walk off challenge.

Argh! The walks! The walks! They're HIDEOUS! How do they get from A to B on foot? Miz J would be outraged. Have they not practiced? Have they not studied? Do they not understand that walking is a Major Part Of Being A Model?!? Jade, Annaliese and Mecia impressed the panel, Emma couldn't have looked less interested and the same went for Rebecca. Natasha had obviously skipped out on some important lessons as a toddler because she could barely string her steps together.

Q was impressed though. As were the judges. Huggy is back. Ragnarrsson not Bear unfortunately. How awesome would that be though? Huggy Bear as a judge on BNTM...

Anyway.

In a nice twist we get to see the promo shoot that Living use to promote the show. This is a nice touch. I like it. The New Model Army theme has led to some suitable glossiness. The splashing of cash on this is welcome. A criticism of BNTM in the past is that some of the photoshoots looked a little cheap, something you'd find in a low grade Sunday supplement. This though is as shiny as Lovely Lisa's hair. The only blight is that Natasha is muy annoying and diva-ish. Lovely Lisa did not like this at all....

*sigh* First accusations of eating disorders, this time levelled at Rebecca. Rebecca claims that she's just picky about her food and gets into a bit of a slanging match with Natasha about it. Rebecca wants to go home.

Thoughts so far are that Jade needs to lose her fakeass glasses. Emily doesn't understand simple instructions. None of them have properly studied their posing.

Elimination takes place via the medium of dogtags. You get one, you're in. Otherwise you must collect your belongings and go home. There seemed to be some shock that 5 girls were being eliminated but come on, it's only a 12 week show! We like our Top Model with a side helping of cruelty, and we enjoyed this immensely, particularly as the cry-a-thon was held to the stomping sounds of Kasabian's Empire. Top marks for editing!

Who left? Who cares. They were all distinctly average and hopefully some of the others will start to stand out in the coming weeks.

First photoshoot proper with Huggy centred around a wartime pin up theme for 10 of the girls. Given how prevalent pin up style has been lately, it's shocking how bad they all were.

Shot 1 - wartime pin-ups - Chloe kept it in the family with a predictably cutesy sexy shot, Rebecca gave it hardface, Hayley gave goodface, Maddy's looks divided the judges and Sophie got a good report but didn't look very modelesque to us.

Shot 2 - entertaining the troops - Lauren did sex kitten, Ashley gave dead kitten, Kasey was killer kitten and Nell and Lisa-ann did well.

Shot 3 - peacenik chicks - Mecia rocked Louis' world (Mr Mariette and Lel are going to disagree bigtime), Annaliese almost concealed the fact she was sat on a giant splinter, Jade was average, and Viola rocked our world, I think she could be a serious contender. Daisy looks average in person, and looked average in print.

Sel was surprised that none of the judges picked up on Kacey's porn mouth. Miz Tyra would've been straight on that.

Surprisingly, when it came down to it, Nell and Rebecca were eliminated. Rebecca wanted to go home anyway but Nell was by far the most 'fashion' of the bunch.

No matter. Next week - MIZ J. ALEXANDER!!!! There were actual squeeees at that little reveal...

Check back later for our take on the 13 girls and our early predictions for who's going to win.